What your favorite Counter-Strike map says about you

There are many personality tests floating on the internet, but nothing reveals more about your deepest, darkest secrets than your gaming habits. You spend a lot of time playing Counter-Strike, so that’s already quite telling, but we can go further by analyzing your favorite CS map.

You may not like the results, but dozens of nonexistent psychology papers have confirmed these findings! Here’s what your favorite CS map says about you as a person.

Mirage: You’re the most uninteresting person in the world

You can’t get enough of vanilla ice cream and beige wallpapers. You have what is no doubt a fascinating office job related to insurance management or chartered accountancy, and your favorite pastime involves staring at paintings in an art gallery, but if you’re feeling a little frisky, you might go for a fun little hiking trip on extra special occasions. As for your Counter-Strike deviancies, it’s time to finally learn that mid smoke you’ve been putting off for years.

Ancient: We all know what you’re missing

You spent countless sleepless nights on Aztec back in the 1.6 days and you’re still chasing the same high as that one time you managed to win on T side. The endless risks at Double Doors, the monsters lurking in Shallow and Sewers, the short-distance sprints through Hallway to Dark to Genny: They’re fading memories now, which no Cave or Temple can ever replace. But life will never be as good again as it was when you saw that fleeting 16-13 scoreline.

Nuke: You’re explosive and full of energy

You used to like Oldke (ha, get it, Old Nuke), but you grew out of it. That said, you still remain a thrillseeker at heart; someone who only feels alive when the stakes are highest. Who cares about small potatoes like blowing up Red Cross supplies or a dingy archaeological dig in some forgotten part of the world? No, Counter-Strike only feels real to you when there’s an impending nuclear catastrophe in the background—the only thing that still makes you feel feelings.

Anubis: You don’t like sand

You walk like an Egyptian, you don’t share Anakin Skywalker’s opinion about sand, and I never, ever want to end up on your team in Premier Mode. But hey, at least you’re willing to explore new things. In this case, “new” means “remnants of a thousand-year-old long-gone civilization,” but it’s something! Maybe you could also swap that MAC-10 for a Sawed-Off and see how much further you can push this whole “experimentation” thing. It comes with a nice, copper-themed skin that looks good amid all that damn sand you seem to love so much.

Inferno: You’re in it for the spicy stuff

Some like it hot, and you certainly do. Be it exciting three-mappers in esports competition or the thrill of overtime in CS2 Premier, it’s the spice that makes you come back over and over again.

Your favorite fruit is a banana—also an excellent choice. You also have an excellent taste in all things Counter-Strike. It’s just that you’re perhaps a bit too much into lurking and flanking. It’s exciting when it works out, but, you know, there’s the other outcome.

There’s also the whole “apartments over other types of housing” thing, but hey, no one’s perfect.

Vertigo: You’re a contrarian but at least your taste in movies is great

You love thrillers—Alfred Hitchcock is your favorite director, after all—so it makes sense you’d opt for something super boring in your gaming life. You find something beautiful in the grey concrete and the terrible map design, the pointless verticality, and the silly deaths by falling.

In some ways, you’re the eternal optimist: You love CS maps only a mother could love, and you can find the beauty in everything. Then again, if you’re an old-school SWAT 4 fan who kept getting stuck on that level, all is forgiven.

Overpass: You’re German

No, seriously, there is no other possible explanation. The Berlin Fernsehturm makes your heart pump; you keep your deposits at TTK Bank, Achtung Überlange was your nickname as a kid, Schöneck was your childhood sweetheart (and we won’t talk about Brünhilde Parkanlage, don’t worry, no one needs to know), and whether it’s Kraftfahrzeughaftpflichtversicherung or Geschwindigkeitsbeschränkung, you feel at home whenever there’s a car crash of letters and cabbage-sounding noises come out of the speaker’s mouth. Still, somewhere, deep inside, if you’re willing to admit it, you know that you miss Cobblestone. Speaking of which…

Cobblestone, Train, or Cache: You have abandonment issues

Be honest: You need to see a psychologist. These maps are gone, and they’re never coming back—and even if they will, they won’t be anything like how you remembered them. You don’t need us to tell you that you should never get back with your ex.

Unlike the Ancient fans reminiscing about the good old Aztec days, at least they accepted the basic fact of life that nothing can ever stay the same. Stop clinging to the past, go touch some grass, and experience something new (like Deadlock).

Office: Something something Stockholm syndrome

Seriously, what is it with you and still taking hostages in 2024? That’s so early naughties. I get it, you’re a Negev enthusiast, and you just can’t get the sound of the bratatatat out of your mind, but have you considered that there may be something more to this?

Don’t you feel like you’re captured, no, captivated by that weapon? Perhaps you’ve developed some sort of a weird bond with that weapon. It’s not willing to let you go, and you don’t really want to go now anyway. When was the last time you’ve been to Sweden?

Dust 2: You never stop do not stopping

You keep pretending you’re an independent thinker, but you really aren’t anything special. Now go and rush B again.