Riot releases hilarious VALORANT ‘patch notes’ for April Fools’ Day, includes 100-second Brim smokes and toothpick-sized melees

They had us in the first half.

Image via Riot Games

Hot on the tails of VALORANT Patch 2.06, Riot unveiled Patch 33 1/3 today—and it’s a doozy.

VALORANT devs celebrated April Fools’ Day with an update that includes numerous hysterical balancing changes. But rest assured players, none of them are real—at least we hope they aren’t.

Image via Riot Games

The phony agent updates include Brimstone’s smoke duration increased from 20 seconds to 100, which would last the entirety of a round, and Breach’s flash moving to a five-second cooldown. And Phoenix mains would be able to style on enemies with different mouse buttons letting you swing Curveball in different directions (including between the legs).

The devs also poked fun at the wildly inconsistent melee attack, saying they’re being “replaced by toothpicks to better represent their hitbox.” And the fake patch would reset everyone to the same rank, letting Irons test their luck against VALORANT’s elite Radiant players.

As for some fake bug fixes, an “issue” allowing players to climb out of their current rank has been resolved. A pesky glitch allowing players to deal damage with abilities has also been fixed.

Image via Riot Games

And for fans looking to pick up some new cosmetics, the “Matte Black” skin bundle should hit the store soon for a whopping zero VP.

The patch notes might not be the only joke VALORANT devs are playing on fans today. The official Twitter unveiled an “Agents of Romance” spinoff that’s “coming to PC soon,” allowing players to get more intimate with the VALORANT cast.

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