Yesterday started out like any other day. We played a few games in solo queue, some of us probably made plans for New Year’s Eve, and others went to work before going home to eat, play video games, and sleep. Life went on as normal. And then it happened.
Riot dropped the latest Ask Riot, a series of posts where Riot employees answer the community’s most pressing questions about the game. Skim through all of the talk of League of Legends movies, hiring new employees, and the future of URF (none of that’s important), what you want to read is at the very bottom of the post. It’s a short story about a Poro, and it’s terrifying.
The question, “Do people eat Poros?” was innocent enough, right? It’s a fluffy little pacifist that lives in abundance around Valoran and, much like a rabbit or a squirrel, people in the game’s universe may have, at one point, tried to eat one.
The short story that Riot provided in response is the equivalent of a Stephen King horror novel.
Apparently, when someone tried to cut up a Poro and eat one of the cooked pieces, the small piece that the extremely unfortunate person consumed literally became another Poro while inside the person’s stomach. It then expanded until it burst out of their stomach and out of the large hole where their midsection used to be.
The Poro, now completely covered in blood, went out into the world like nothing happened, and we’re left assuming that the person eventually died after some of the worst pain our tiny brains can even comprehend.
Let’s break that down, shall we?
Poro’s can’t die. That’s what that means, right? If an entire fluffball Poro can regenerate out of a sliver of meat from another one, we can also assume that the other pieces that poor sap cut up also turned into more Poros. If they can turn a small piece of meat into an entirely new being, we can also assume that they can regenerate any missing parts, including scrapes, holes, cuts, and everything in between.
So, they’re at least invincible. Not only that, but if one gets cut up and turns into several more Poros than before, or maybe they’re fed too many Poro-Snax and explode into roughly five more Poros, you now have a lot more of these indestructible little furballs.
That means, so far, we know they’re indestructible and they can multiply indefinitely. Awesome.
This raises one very important question—why aren’t we worshiping them like gods?
If they can’t die and they have several means of cloning themselves into infinity, it doesn’t take much thought to realize we’re screwed if they ever turn on us. Sure, they’re not very threatening, and all they can really do is throw themselves at you, but when there’s hundreds of Poros throwing themselves at you, you won’t last very long. What about thousands? Millions? They could collapse structures, cause complete anarchy, and essentially end civilization as we know it.
We think it’s time to start the Church of Poro, complete with human sacrifices and all the Poro-Snax you can imagine, to appease the mysterious little demigods while we still can. Hey, it’s not all bad. At least they’re really cute.
Long live the Poro.