Dear Mid Laner,
How are you? It’s me, your Jungler. I know we’re not the greatest of friends, but I feel a good chat can improve our relationship. Sometimes, we fight and you aren’t happy with things. We’re on the same team. We’re trying to fight the same enemy and climb our way to the top of the ladder. We should stomp the enemy into oblivion, not smack each other around like children. That being said, we need to discuss a few things.
I know you love blue buff, but it’s not your divine right to take it. No mythical being dropped down from the heavens and blessed you with it. It’s in my “lane.” You bombard me with pings to back me off from your lane, but you have no problem walking into my house and kicking my dog. I am not saying you cannot ever get the buff. I am more than happy to give it to you, usually. Let me just address a few issues though.
Don’t ping the blue buff when it spawns. I know it’s there. Shockingly, I am not stupid. Blue didn’t decide to spawn in the dragon pit and do body shots off of the dragon. I cleared the camp and I have the timer on it. You would like the blue buff? Ask me for it! Don’t just spam pings and pray it will magically become yours. Why might I want the second blue buff? I could be behind. Perhaps, you forgot about when their mid and jungle invaded me, kicked my teeth in, and then walked away with half my jungle. Where were you then? If I recall correctly, you were afk farming the mid lane. We need to work on your strategy of, “I am going to pout and afk because you didn’t give me blue.” It wasn’t cute the first time and it’s not cute the hundredth time. It doesn’t work on me anymore.
Silly Jungler! Blue is 4 Mid Lane. (img by nunire)
Please, stop rage pinging me because I stopped the CS from hitting your tower, or because I was last hitting the CS that was going to go to waste. I know you love your precious CS. That lovely gold and experience was just going to go, POOF. All of it was going to fly off into the void and be far beyond your grasp. I was just there to pick up what I could and save some for you. Why am I pushing your lane into the tower after you died, roamed, or backed? Because I can deny the enemy mid far more than the three CS you could have gotten. I am doing you a favor. Why am I doing this? We’re buddies, remember?
I am fine with you taking side camps here and there. I can’t always farm to keep them scaling with my level. Please, I am not leashing them for you. I walked my butt across the map to taste the sweet gold they carry. Come to think of it, where do they keep that gold…? On second thought, I don’t want to know. Anyway, either ask me if you can take the camps or just optimize the spawn timing to clear them when I am not around. Is that too much to ask?
I feel that we, as a team, can win these games. We don’t have to fight each other. Let’s put aside our differences and work together. I am more than happy to share my snack pack with you. You can even have a bit of my chocolate bar. Why aren’t you kind enough to share your juice with me, or even thank me for my contribution? Perhaps, we got off on the wrong foot. But it’s okay, we got this.
Written by: Derek “Mowzer” Ochodnicky