It’s nighttime. The party just finished a long day of blowing up a fireworks shop in the Lower City, and those not incinerated outright are certainly down an eyebrow or two. As I return to camp for a long rest, I think the adventuring day can’t get any stranger.
I’m wrong. I’m so wrong.
In Dungeons & Dragons, the “yes, and…” nature of the game leads to some absurd happenings that are only possible by compiling a group of depraved and bold minds. You know, the average D&D group. Talk to any player, and they’ll have a story about how “this one time, my Barbarian [insert the most sickening and hilarious thing you’ve ever heard].”
It was already clear Larian Studios prioritized transferring this freedom into Baldur’s Gate 3, and now it’s also clear to me the studio prioritized the depravity. What gave it away? Probably the dialogue option “Kiss the tentacle and hope that it’s an erogenous appendage,” which I encountered in the middle of a downright beautifully animated and narrated Mindflayer sex scene.
Yes, I boned a Mindflayer in Baldur’s Gate 3. No, I don’t regret it.
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
As I opted for a long rest and chose the camp supplies to consume, I had no idea tonight would be the night my Tav’s life changed forever. We all know by this point that starting a long rest cutscene is a total dice roll. Maybe you make it through the night without an incident, but probably not. I could never have expected tonight’s incident would be waking up next to one very shirtless Emperor looking at me like Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” was playing.
As is often the case, I didn’t realize we were ever moving towards this—it just sort of happened. I didn’t do the Emperor’s side quests to get into his robes, but rather because I thought he was a fantastically designed character. But hey, sometimes life has other plans. “Yes, and—” baby.
I’m still mulling over whether I loved how much I hated the tentacle-based sex scene or hated how much I loved the tentacle-based sex scene. I’m not sure I’ll ever have an answer. It was like a car crash you can’t look away from, and you’re not sure if you even want to. The made-up word “blursed” comes to mind—a combination of blessed and cursed. Blursed things include The Minions movie, or a Shrek pez dispenser, or…a graphic and detailed Mindflayer sex scene.
It gets better (worse) too. After getting my mind blown (which is also the name for the achievement I earned), the Emperor and I were just laying there giggling and sighing like lovers do. Suddenly, a portal opened up, revealing three extremely distraught companions who apparently saw the whole thing.
Astarion, Gale, and Jaheira found themselves watching their own captivating car wreck, which was the Emperor and I making some sushi, if you will. Apparently, the Emperor became so distracted that he forgot to continue blocking our minds off from the rest of the party (what can I say, I give a mean tentacle-job). That, or he’s secretly an exhibitionist.
The next morning, my companions wouldn’t even address what they saw. Talk about an elephant in the camp. Everybody just averted their eyes and probably told themselves it was simply a weird dream they had the night before. But deep down, we knew. We all knew. We just weren’t going to say anything so we could continue living like one of us didn’t get down and dirty with a brain-devouring tentacle monster.
All jokes aside, I respect the hell out of Larian for taking the time and effort to include this scene. I’m not sure how many people will actually want to experience it for themselves, but having the option partake in absolutely unhinged things like this is exactly what makes Dungeons & Dragons so special.
A few months ago, I didn’t think it would ever be possible to have a game that captures the essence of my favorite table-top game as well as Baldur’s Gate 3 does. I certainly wouldn’t have believed that sleeping with a Mindflayer and being walked in on by the rest of the party is something that took place in a video game, and yet here we are.
Published: Oct 6, 2023 02:02 pm