In the Overwatch community, it’s normal to see people swooning over heroes like Cassidy or Mercy. Junker Queen and Sojourn have devotees who are always begging to be stepped on. Even though Genji is more metal than man these days, having a crush on the cyborg doesn’t raise an eyebrow.
But across a snowy expanse, leading his people to potentially violent glory, the Overwatch community spotted Ramattra. With flowing tresses and the body of a terrible paperback romance novel protagonist, he’s the omnic of our dreams.
It’s sometimes hard to deviate from the norm, no matter how attractive the alternative is. If you’ve been doing the eyes emoji at the evil robot, you’re not alone. Here are the five steps you can expect to go through while accepting your sparkly new crush.
Stage one: Denial
Developing an affinity for the leader of Null Sector, a radical organization of omnics fighting for their livelihoods no matter the cost, isn’t explained away as easily as a crush on Tracer would be. For that reason (and maybe the weight of his war crimes), your first instinct might be to deny your Ramattra appreciation.
Potential community backlash may also encourage your denial, no matter how hypocritical it might be. Oh, sure, being into Reaper is fine, but we think the vaguely murderous robot cult leader is hot and suddenly this isn’t a safe space.
Whether you were transfixed by his origin story debut at the Overwatch League Grand Finals or drawn in by excellent voiceover work, it’s important to take the time to meet your cybernetically-enhanced feelings about Ramattra where they are before heading to the next step.
Stage two: Avoidance
Instead of leaning into love, during this step in your journey, you’re likely now taking steps to avoid thinking about this attractive antagonist. Perhaps you’re staring vainly at the fan art of a sane Overwatch hero, hoping something clicks. But like an old flame sneaking into your inbox with a well-timed “wyd,” Ramattra appears everywhere.
When poet laureate of our time Megan Thee Stallion sang “bodyodyodyodyody,” she was talking about Ramattra’s Spicy Nacho Dorito shoulder-to-waist ratio. The man’s got hair made of perfect cable management. Ramattra has not one, not two, but four hands to hold once he shifts into Nemesis Form. If you like six-foot-tall bachelors, he’s clocking at least seven solid feet of pure, refined metal.
No matter how far you run, his Ravenous Vortex will drag you back in. Let it happen.
Stage three: Bargaining
Having reasonably tried to cleanse yourself of feelings for Ramattra, you’ll now move on to step three: bargaining for whatever remains of your dignity.
“Why can’t I be into someone normal?” you’ll muse, flipping through a PowerPoint presentation about Pharah and her lawful good abs. Much like trying to convince yourself that vegan cheese is actually a decent replacement for a good mozzarella, you’ll bypass those important inner passions to pursue what you think is correct.
The cold, hard truth about heroic types and non-dairy alternatives is that they’re dreadfully boring. Soldier: 76 may be Overwatch’s big damn hero, but there’s a reason the archives of fanfiction aren’t exactly filled with his exploits: the relentless pursuit of good loses its sparkle very quickly.
There’s something addictive and enthralling about a complex villain. Ramattra is balancing the intense anger he feels about injustice toward omnics with his past as a Shambali monk. As he pursues freedom through the lens of violence, a part of him will always wish peace had been enough.
At the end of the day, there’s nothing more attractive than a man with purpose, even if that purpose is a felony in some jurisdictions.
Stage four: Dehydration
Once you’ve finally realized there’s no escaping the hypnotic draw of a bad boy with a chrome finish, you can officially join the Overwatch community in hopelessly thirsting over Ramattra.
Sure, you might get dunked on by people on Twitter for having the hots for a glorified toaster. Now that you’re enlightened, though, you can let those insults roll off your back while you blissfully meditate over how much you think Ramattra can deadlift.
In this stage, you’ll find yourself having conversations with your friends about what metal you think his biceps are made of or what kind of coffee Ramattra orders at Starbucks before embarking on a bloody mission for omnic rights. We’re not sure how you figure out the astrological chart of an omnic created for war, but he’s definitely giving off Scorpio vibes.
An incognito browser is a critical part of the dehydration stage. Nobody but Google and God need to know what you looked up after realizing the Poseidon skin has tentacles.
Final stage: Acceptance
In the same way that Zenyatta gazes into the iris, soon you’ll be staring directly into the glimmering chrome of a murderous omnic’s abs and finally feel at peace. Welcome to the promised land.
Feeling the power of acceptance within your soul, you can spread the good word about Overwatch’s new favorite bad boy. With great attractiveness comes great responsibility, so make sure to balance your new love affair with some semblance of logic: please do not insta-lock Ramattra in every game just because he’s pretty. Your teammates will thank you.
Published: Dec 7, 2022 04:44 pm