SATIRE: Riot Games Reveals That the Lore, Balance, and eSports Are Run By the Same Division

After much speculation following the releases of Patches 5.16 and 5.17, Riot Games CEO Brandon Beck announced that lore, balance, and eSports divisions are actually run by the same division.

“When we started getting into the eSports business, we completely restructured the company in the image of WWE,” said Marc “Tryndamere” Merrill, co-founder and president of Riot Games. “I mean, if you’re trying to make League into a legitimate sport, doesn’t it make sense to model it after the most legitimate sport of all time? Sorry water polo, you’re a close second.”

In an interview with Senior Editor Frank “Mirhi” Fields, we were able to get an in-depth look into how this division is ran. “Basically, everyone gets together once in a while to discuss how we can change the game to make the best possible story for the lore and the pro teams. For example, last year we thought that Cloud 9 stomping everyone wasn’t really the most exciting of things to watch, so we decided to just neuter jungle for a while to stop Meteos from hard carrying all the time, you know, just to spice up the competition. If you want more, just look up eSports Express’s articles about how we disabled Gangplank. That was probably our greatest moment, the beginning of the Golden Age of eSports.”

The release of the division’s latest works, Patches 5.16 and 5.17, has received rave reviews from players and commentators around the world.

“I’m loving the game right now,” said /u/DankMemers. “If this were last year, and you told me Skarner would have a 70% winrate, and Mordekaiser would become a botlaner with a pet dragon, and that Genja wouldn’t predict any of it, I would have thought you were crazy. But now, everything makes sense. I mean, you think bullets and spears are going to hurt a giant crystal scorpion and a metal man?”

Even Christopher “MonteCristo” Mykles, a caster for OnGameNet and a harsh critic of Riot’s past failings, showed his admiration for the new story. “Really, the new patches change everything. The past two Worlds, the winner was so predictable. But now, with the meta completely flipped upside-down, and with almost none of the teams playing competitively on the new patches, I’ll finally be able to sit back and enjoy the mystery.”

However, not everyone had received the works positively, namely Duncan “Thorin” Shields, eSports historian.

“The storylines are getting way too sexy,” complained Thorin in one of his podcasts. “Riot needs to make the game less about Kate Upton’s breasts and more about Froggen doing nothing but scale for the first 40 minutes of a game.”