Irvine, California—Sitting at his desk, knees tucked, eyes bulging, George “Hotshotgg” Georgallidis has the desperate appearance of a necrophiliac in a morgue. He’s pensive, and a quick browse of reddit might hint at why, with the Greek now finding himself in deeper than Uberdanger at a preschool.
Never one to shy away from controversy, CLG’s long time CEO and resident PR man seems to have finally hit a wall with public opinion that even he can’t climb after embroiling himself in a war of words with ex-ad carry Peng “Doublelift” Yiliang.
Yet at this moment he hardly seems to care, his gaunt face lit only by the light on his screen; his mouth open in one all consuming cry of agony.
“Whyyyyy, Nunu? Whyyyyy?”
When the game has ended, the mop handle of a man seems to finally note my presence, lowering his hairy knees as though they were the unshaven shield to the Starship Enterprise and he’s now ready to beam me aboard. He offers me some yogurt. I decline.
“Doublelift?” he asks, ducking down slightly as though the name were a thrown rock. “He’s a son of a bitch, I’ll tell you that much.” Georgallidis added that Yiliang “liked to pull the legs off insects,” and “Didn’t really cry much when Jack died so that naked chick he drew could live on. He’s a sociopath.”
While Georgallidis might be sure he’s on the right side of this controversy, public polling, and his own organization seem to disagree. CLG announced this morning its intention to replace George as its Public Relations disaster and higher someone less controversial – like hurricane Sandy, or ISIS.
Asked to comment on this recent shift, Georgallidis only offered a small assurance that he was “in full support of the change,” though he wondered if Doublelift might take this job too, “since he already tried to steal everything else from me.”
On the short list of applicants to improve CLG’s image are long time scene member Brandon “Saintvicious” DiMarco, People’s Republic of North Korea leader Kim Jong-un, and the corpse of Ted Bundy.
“I think Saint is really looking good right now,” mused CLG CEO Devin “Mylixia” Nash. “He seems like a super honest guy, and I was especially impressed with his stories about his time as a Janissary under the command of Sultan Osman Bey.”
Mylixia also took a moment to remind the public that applications were still open. “We’ll take anybody – no, seriously, I mean, literally anyone at this point. Even Riot Lyte.”
(Full disclosure: Doublelift declined to be interviewed for this article, his attorney Chris Badawi stating only that “Though I might, my client prefers not to live in the past,” before inquiring as to whether or not I had seen Yiliang’s seven hour documentary on how his parents weren’t always super nice to him.)
While CLG seems decided in their direction, community reaction to the announcement has been split between fans of both factions.
CLG supporter and long time Shaco main YouOnlyShivOnce offered his support to Georgallidis before ducking behind a bush: “This whole thing is bullshit. Hotshot had every right to ask where Doublelift was the night the Lindbergh baby was kidnapped. I mean, if you’ve got nothing to hide… why not answer the question?” While at the same time, /gaming aficionado and evolutionary biologist ZeldaIsTheMissingLink420 thought the firing was a good move: “I’m just disappointed to see him drag Double into this vendetta of his – Double, who has never had a bad word to say about anybody!”
Colleagues of Yiliang and Georgallidis seemed just as split in their opinions, with full time memer and part time jungler Will “MopOnHead” Hartman suggesting he had never had any issues with Yiliang and viewed him as “A dude,” while a short woman we can only assume was Hartman’s lesbian aunt added, “Same.”
Meanwhile, Yiliang’s own ex support/jungler/mid/top/coach/analyst/waterboy Chauster “Top Fucking Percentage” Chau had a different story to tell, assuring me that Yiliang was “pretty much a dickhead who couldn’t tie his own shoes without my help,” before explaining how he “basically created LoL” and offering to sign my breasts.
Whichever side you find yourself on, it’s clear things will be changing at the CLG house. Asked for a final comment on the story, Georgallidis lit up a cigarette, pulling at it thoughtfully. “I still don’t get it,” he admitted. “What the hell do we need a PR man for? Thanks to me, everyone loves us – especially the papists, kikes, and niggers.” He inhaled slowly. “And you can quote me on that.”