Note: This is meant to be funny, this game occured in Plat roughly nine months ago.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, I come to you from the great state of Minnesota, I just played a game of LoL that really resonated with me, and I wanted to share it with all of you, because that’s what good people do. They share their good times and bad times, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned while playing soloq, you’re going to have plenty of bad times.
So we load up into the purple side of the picks and bans screen, where you’ll usually find people bitching and moaning about that one game three months ago where they had a positive KD ratio so you gotta let them play a certain champion, but today that wasn’t the case. No! These people knew what they were doing. They picked a team comp that had great initation and late game potential.
However as the saying goes, even the sun shines on a dog’s ass every once in awhile.
A fellow by the name of Cuse Changnyun said, “Let me go top Riven. However, I might need to swap lanes.”
As the person picking mid, and someone who had just got done playing 6 hours of starcraft, and losing my first couple games of LoL already, my brain was fried. I just wanted to sit back and relax, so I thought, “Fuck it! Let’s see what happens.”
I got a sense of things to come when his buddy picked Nocturne jungle. The team was shaping up to be all AD so I went with the choice of Orianna. Great engage, I have people to ball. All is good. However! As one can imagine, since they decided to go with an AD jungler, I would have to go with an AP role – as I wouldn’t trust them with plastic utensiles, let alone an all AD-based team. So I was delegated to mid.
But wait! Not so, seeing as how our opponents picked Katarina and Renekton.
“I don’t want to go up against Renekton! You do it!”
And again I hear that voice in the back of my head that’s saying, “Orianna against Renekton in top lane with a Lee Sin jungler, what could possibly go wrong there, you stupid fucker.” But I refrain from saying that aloud and I nod my head and say, “Sure, I’ll do it buddy ol’ boy! Just let me know when you want to switch back.” Unbeknownst to them, I reach for a bag of raw leather and just begin chewing on it, that way every time they leave me disapointed I can just gnaw on that instead of waking up the neighborhood with belligerent cursing.
So we go into the game, and it’s important to keep a positive attitude, I know that, many athletes strive to keep a positive attitude, it’s essential for success! However it’s also important to be realistic so as not to be disappointed when someone with an IQ that matches his age can’t press the appropriate selection of buttons to play LoL at a level that people in a coma can attain.
First blood goes to the enemy team’s bot lane, because when you have an idiot in mid and an idiot in jungle, it just wouldn’t be a soloq game without the trifecta. Woo hoo!
The Riven mid seems to struggle with the concept of breathing and pressing keystrokes in a timely manner, and after a failed gank attempt from his buddy Nocturne, the jungler starts to make his way top.
I’m sitting here thinking perhaps this game is salvagable, as we’re able to secure a kill on Renekton and blow his summoners.
You’d think the Nocturne would want to meander back on up to top again, but as it usually goes in soloq, once your opponent blows their summoners, your jungler seems to take a blood oath never to come back to your lane until your opponent’s summoners are back.
However, he also begins to realize that helping his friend in mid lane, who after dying again I termed, “Shitty fuck ass clown” is a futile attempt. I pray we focus our efforts top and see where this plays out.
But no! They lane switch their Katarina up top, and Renekton goes mid. And whenever you have an advantage you want to squander it as quickly as possible and make the other team hold a huge advantage over you! I read it in a guide created by someone who weighs more than his ELO so it must be true.
So with that theory in mind our jungler proceeds to go mid time and time again, and they fail time and time again. And that old saying of “insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results” is ringing true in the game. And they laugh! Oh they laugh and they laugh; they laugh so much I think they’re having a nervous break down, but noooo, no no no. They’re laughing because they’re finding amusement in the situation.
It’s as if you were on that little dinky boat in the movie Jaws, and it’s slowly sinking into the water, and the person next to you just smiles with pure innonence, looks at you and goes, “I bet I can swim back to the beach from here.” The absolute disconnect from the situation is just mind boggling.
A plethora of “Allies have been slain” begins to ring in my ears, much to the amusement of our mid and jungler, as if accumulating that sound effect enough times will win them a fucking plushie, and our adc, Tristana, thinks she deals twice the amount of damage if she stands in melee range of her targets.
Our jungler is of course building pure damage, because when you have people that do damage, that means more damage is clearly better. Afterall, when measuring his epeen at school tomorrow, he doesn’t want to brag about things like assists and winning. No, the fact that he managed two kills…. that’ll be the tipping point.
The game continues to slide downhill faster than the Broncos in a superbowl and I can’t help but to look around me, my “teammates” as I’ve so fondly come to know them as. A collection of people that struggle with chewing gum and having a coherent thought in their head at the same time. The kind of people that see a boat spring a leak and go, “Great idea, I’ll create more!”
The type of people that prove that natural selection no longer functions the way it once did, because life gets so much more difficult from here on.
It’s just another day in soloq. My oh my what a wonderful day.